One week ago...

One week ago mom, you were still here. You were miserable, incoherent and confined to a bed but you were still breathing. I hated to see you like that and I know that there were many times that you wished that you would just die because it hurt so bad. I wish you hadn't. I know that was not in your control and I know that you tried to beat the beast. But I miss you mom. I miss you so much. Everyone is starting to hover over me as the one year mark looms closer. You know how much I hate when people focus on me. I'm tough. I am. I am. I am. I can do this. I will not break down. I cannot break down. I need to stay focused else my whole world will crumble if I let go. I hate missing you so much. Death is such a funny thing because it brings on the worst case of "what ifs:" and "why didn't i". Everytime I miss you so much I always get so mad at myself for those days when you called to chat because you were lonely and I blew you off. I'm sorry. I miss you so much it hurts. All of my insides hurt mom. My friend is going in to get CT scans tomorrow for something that is probably routine but it makes me anxious and nervous because you were just going in for scans too. I let so few people into my life that if one of my closest were attacked by the beast.... i just don't know. I can't think about that right now. I need to straighten up. I am tough. I can do this. I can. I will. I will make it through this week and the days that follow. I will get married without you. I will live on without you. Because I have no choice but to go on. I need to take deep breaths and just live. I can do this. I can.


i miss you mommy.

Phone Calls

Hi Mom,

I was having an odd moment today. I wanted to call and talk to you. And it always amazing me how 1) I get that urge in general as you know my aversion to phones is quite large, 2) that you clearly aren't an option as someone to call. But I talked to my usual people but it wasn't enough. I realized that it was you that I really wanted to call because no matter how boring my life may seem to others you were either truly interested or faked it really well (which is equally appreciated). I'm getting married in like 70-ish days and in 3 weeks it will mark the one year mark of not having you around. I just want to skip over the month of May. Dad wants to do something together with just the three of us which I like but I don't know if I can handle being sad in the middle of such a crazy month. Its going to fly by or be really messy. Maybe you can stop by a dream of mine and fill me in on your life, I wish you could respond to my posts.

Love you always and forever.

Wow.

Has it really been three months since I wrote to you? That's sad actually. But the winter months lump together in an bloated, cold, grey way. It's finally March and spring is almost here. It's not that I don't think about you all the time, but that I have tried to stay busy to beat the winter blues and avoid the misery of putting on my winter weight.

The holidays were pretty uneventful for the most part. I tried to make the most of it but there was a definite absence. I'll admit it, I avoided as much as I could. I flat out refused to stay the night at the house this year. Not only was Chris in town and we had Norah with us but I did not want to go through that night without you. I was selfish and hid my feelings. Dad did honor your Christmas Eve tradition by having us each open a present. Instead of the usual pajamas, we each got a necklace and a charm with your fingerprint on it. It was the best gift I have ever gotten. I now have a piece of you for always. The holidays ripped apart Kallie and the rest of the family. I just smiled and got the hell out of there when I could. I just kept telling myself that this year was unique because next holiday season I would be someone's wife with a Christmas of our own. So that whole thing went by pretty fast.

Kallie and I celebrated your birthday by me getting one of your favvvorite things, a tattoo. But I promise, it was for good reasons. I always wanted one and could never commit. Now I committed to you by putting myself through 20 minutes of indescribable uncomfortableness. It didn't really hurt, but it definitely did not feel good. Kallie sat with me the whole time waiting for me to cry, and I didn't! I was so proud of myself. I chose Picasso's dove as the dove symbolizes a time for change and renewal. I knew that you would appreciate that. And I've had it for awhile now and don't regret a thing. Afterwards, Kal and I had plans to go out to eat and surprisingly Dad joined us. It was nice to be with just the three of us.

February slid by with much uneventfulness. I actually don't know if I remember much of it...
But right now I am writing this, watching some tv and relaxing (as I've done most of the day) with Norah at my feet. Life isn't fantastic right now but it sure doesn't suck. I can't wait till it gets warm out again so I can enjoy the sunshine. Going to a bridal expo and entering their contests have put my email address into all kinds of bridal-y listserves. Yesterday, Pottery Barn reminded me that I was getting married in 16 weeks. 16 weeks Mom, can you believe it? I had a near heart attack. Oh wait, I guess the only good thing that came out of February was that after a series of long, tearful phone conversations, Chris agreed to move here instead. The flood of relief that flowed over me that night that he said it would happen was one of the best moments, and clearly the only thing I remember from an entire month. But we will be cramming the two of us into my apartment along with Norahdog. It'll be interesting. But the wedding will have to come first, eep!

love you forever and always.

[norahdog says hi]