One week ago...

One week ago mom, you were still here. You were miserable, incoherent and confined to a bed but you were still breathing. I hated to see you like that and I know that there were many times that you wished that you would just die because it hurt so bad. I wish you hadn't. I know that was not in your control and I know that you tried to beat the beast. But I miss you mom. I miss you so much. Everyone is starting to hover over me as the one year mark looms closer. You know how much I hate when people focus on me. I'm tough. I am. I am. I am. I can do this. I will not break down. I cannot break down. I need to stay focused else my whole world will crumble if I let go. I hate missing you so much. Death is such a funny thing because it brings on the worst case of "what ifs:" and "why didn't i". Everytime I miss you so much I always get so mad at myself for those days when you called to chat because you were lonely and I blew you off. I'm sorry. I miss you so much it hurts. All of my insides hurt mom. My friend is going in to get CT scans tomorrow for something that is probably routine but it makes me anxious and nervous because you were just going in for scans too. I let so few people into my life that if one of my closest were attacked by the beast.... i just don't know. I can't think about that right now. I need to straighten up. I am tough. I can do this. I can. I will. I will make it through this week and the days that follow. I will get married without you. I will live on without you. Because I have no choice but to go on. I need to take deep breaths and just live. I can do this. I can.


i miss you mommy.